about

In January 2020, for my 4-year sober-versary, a dear friend gave me a copy of the book We Are the Luckiest, by Laura McKowen. While I had been physically sober for 4 years, it was not until this past year that I finally began to feel more than just physically sober. Words cannot express how much Laura’s “9 Things” mean to me! Reading, “1. It is NOT your fault” was life giving. It is NOT my fault that I got addicted to a legal, heavily marketed, highly addictive substance that is pushed on moms as the elixir of motherhood. Reading, “2. It IS your responsibility” was empowering and hopeful – it would NOT be my responsibility if I were truly powerless.

I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I didn’t go out with a bang, as much as a slow, exhausted whimper.  I was a gray-area drinker, trying so hard to numb physical and emotional pain.  I was unhealthy and emotionally miserable.  I was never officially diagnosed, but I am quite certain that I had mild to moderate alcohol use disorder, that was approaching severe if I continued drinking. 

How did I get to that point?  I did not drink in High School – I buried myself in school and debate.  I debated in high school and college, and it is probably what saved me from going down a rabbit hole of trying to numb my feelings in my teens and early 20s.  This past year I reconnected with one of my college debate partners.  We were reminiscing about a debate trip to San Diego, and I dug through old photos to find one that I mentioned during our conversation.  I stared at the photo for the longest time, thinking, “I was so happy, so self-confident, that was before alcohol soaked my life and stole that from me.”

I moved to Chicago in the late 1990’s.  Sex in the City premiered in 1998 and my friends and I saw that show as our handbook on how to be young, professional women living in a big city.  Not much in the way of sex, but a lot of drinking!   I think Sex in the City was the Prequel to the Mommy-wine culture.